Lova

A Daughter.

A Daughter.  I am having a daughter.

Yesterday when I said these words out loud, I cried.  My heart broke open and I cried.  Because here she is after all the waiting and the knowing her in my dreams and feeling her written on my soul.  She is finally here.  I am the mother of a son and a daughter.  The marvel of it all.

I don't think there is much surprise in this baby being a her.  She has announced herself over and over.  She has promised her arrival and asked me to cultivate patience - something that comes in short supply for me - and it has been a great teacher to me.  And while a gut feeling is not always a guarantee, I have listened and suspected and believed that it would be her. 

There was that night, five long years ago, when I first saw her.  She appeared in my dream all wiry and honey-colored and smiling.  There was sunlight around her and she held onto my shoulder tightly, happily clinging to me.  She was radiant.  I knew, deep down in my gut, that this baby was my daughter.  And it is this image I have clung to as I waited and dreamed and hoped for her, cultivating patience.

This baby has strong ties to our clan.  My mother dreams of her, friends dream of her and Satchel has been talking about his baby sister for 2 years now.  He has asked for her and spoken about her and even named her Lova.  And so, after yesterday's ultrasound, we can call this baby Lova with certainty now.  Though we have mostly referred to this baby as She, I have been hesitant to use She exclusively...Just in case.  Just in case the baby was a boy, I wouldn't want him to feel unwelcome.  But now, we can loudly shout she and daughter and sister.  And Lova. 

We need to convince Satchel that Lova (pronounced like Nova) is kind of like her screen name, her nom de plume, her pseudonym, her in utero love name and that when she is born, when she is a real live baby, she will be called something else.  So far he insists that her name is Lova.  No matter what.  While we haven't chosen a name yet, and as much as Lova has grown on me, I am thinking a name that sounds a little less like Vulva would be good for a girl.  How about you? 

Along these lines, we are taking contributions in the name department.  We'd like a collection of girl names that would compliment a name like Satchel.  If you are up for the challenge, brainstorm away. 

Peeking at her was mesmerizing, glorious, divine.  For us.  She hated it.  I am not making this up.  She turned from the screen and covered her face with her hands almost the entire time.  If you doubt me, here is the evidence and the finger to prove it.

The tech kept trying.  The doctor tried.  But she kept arching and snuggling and wiggling her rump in the air as she nestled down to find a peaceful spot, away from the intrusion.  But ours is not a quiet family nor one that stands on ceremony much so she must know what she is getting herself into.  I apologized to her later and promised that, if I could help it, we wouldn't disturb her again until she decides it is time to show herself.

We had to poke and maneuver and use stealth ultrasound techniques to take all the important measurements and to see even part of her face.  But I saw her ear, perfectly formed, and one tiny foot with all of its toes.  What a gift this was.  To hear the doctor say Beautiful and Perfect and Wonderful and then to see her bones and her bald head, the railroad tracks of her spine and the spokes of her ribs all for myself.  My daughter.

   

Throughout the appointment I hesitated and hemmed and hawed about learning the baby's gender.  Upside down on the table and watching the computer screen with a mirror, I was too disoriented to get a good glimpse of anything resembling a crotch shot.  A boy, now that was not so hard, but a vagina?  A vagina on an ultrasound is designated by three straight lines (and the absence of the huevitos of course).  But to find the tell-tale hash marks amid the swirling vortex of placenta and body parts and umbilical cord is difficult at best when you are sitting up straight.  And I was upside and backwards. 

Everyone else in the room was pretty sure they knew.  Pretty sure they got The View.  My mom, Matt, the tech, the doctor but they all keep quiet because I am the Mama and maybe I don't want to know more than my intuition and my dreams have told me.  I was torn and tempted.  For the most part I tried to be a good and patient girl, tried to keep my proverbial legs crossed, ankles daintily decorated with ruffled socks and patent leather Mary Janes, tap tap tap.  Inside I was an over-excited hairy dog who leaves nose prints on your windows and muddy paw prints on your carpets.  I was so close to the answer...did I want to know???

There will be no more ultrasounds.  This is my last chance.  I ask the doctor to write it down.  She beams at me and hands me an envelope.  It must be a girl.  I have told her my hunch and she smiles at me with a glint in her eye.

All the way home we laugh and debate and try to sit on our hands so we don't open the envelope.  We agree that the only true surprise will be if the doctor has written down Boy.  I am overcome with anticipation.  We haven't even made it home yet and the envelope makes the rounds.  Matt first and then my mom.  They peek in the envelope and they giggle.  We are all giddy and excited.  I am the last to go.  I read it.  It says 'Girl!'

That is when I first speak the words - I am having a daughter.  And then I cried - fresh, hot, snotty tears.  I am overcome.  I am undone with love.

Today I think to myself:   'That's my girl.  She hides her face but gives us the Money Shot.  I like her sense of humor.' 

She is going to be a kick in the pants.  I just know it.

Comments

[karina]

What about 'Aura' for her name?

[thordora]

Having daughters is so incredible. Enjoy it. I dreamed of my oldest, and am now so happy that she is what I dreamed.

[heidi::daisybones]

Molly and I are jumping up and down for you and yours! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll always remember walking on air after our big ultrasound. (I'd had one earlier to count limbs...lol.) Isn't it amazing and beautiful that your intuition was confirmed? What joy...

[Donna]

Ahhhh, what an amazing relationship you are going to have with her. It's amazing and right that you have a girl to shephard forth and share your life with. And she will have such a rich experience in the fold of your family. I'm so very happy for the completeness that having a girl will bring to you. Enjoy...

[mb]

I love your daughter! I just adore and worship her.
She lives in a breathtakingly perfect and beautiful Temple. I am still hooked on Temple. And it sounds good with Satchel.

girls rock.

mb

[sweetsalty kate]

Oh brooke, I read this twice or three times as well, and was so moved I had no words for you.

I'm back now with the only one that seemed best: hello. Hello sweet Lova, you blessed and beloved girl...

[Angela]

Okay, I in on the voting...has time run out yet? My mother (a hippie from the 60's) was going to name me Velvet-my aunt talked her out of it and I have always felt cheated. So, my vote is for Lova-what a wonderful story you would have to tell her about the origin of her name. Blessing to you and your whole family and once again, congratulations!

[Heather]

Brooke, I am so overwhelmingly happy for you. And so happy for this wonderful girl who is lucky enough to be your daughter. What a gift for both of you.

So thrilled for you.

Love to you and your beautiful family.

[sarah]

How about Sabiana. I loved the name, but it doesn't appeal to my husband. It was the name of the italian sales woman at Banana Republic--much less common that Sabine or Sabina.

[Sarah]

Congratulations on the confirmation of your intuition. I had been pronoucing it (in my head obviously) as love-uh, less like vulva.

[bella]

She came to you because she knows you need her as much she needs you.
I love her already.
I love you.

[Em]

What a beautiful post...I just cried :o)

Congratulations to you, Brooke!

[Melissa]

Yay! How exciting to get one of each... Girls are so much fun. And yay for big brothers and little sisters. I've always thought that was the sweetest pairing. In high school, all of my closest friends had big brothers, and aside from having secret crushes on them, I was always drawn to the loving way they looked out for their baby sisters. When I read this, and finished crying for you!, I immediately thought about what an awesome big brother Satchel is going to be and how all of her friends are going to have big crushes on your little heartthrob.

Lova, how perfect.

[Rebekah]

Oh, I am laughing and clapping with joy and excitement over here. I've been checking in over and over, but must have just missed this post before going to bed or waking up. A girl. A DAUGHTER. Brooke, you are truly blessed! I am so happy for you and the gift that this beautiful little girl is. May she bring you as much joy as Satchel has ... even more if that could be possible!

[ls]

I like the name Isla. Means island. But I don't see it as remote or closed-off. I have a girl, almost 4.5 years old now. When I was pregnant I had no ultrasound, no tests of any kind, and was beyond convinced we would have a boy. But it wasn't to be! Very excited for all of you...and don't feel bad about Lova, my best friend's son called her unborn baby "Excavator" after his favorite piece of large machinery for almost a year. Even after the baby was born! make lova a middle name! I like it too!

[Phoenix]

What a happy day! :D I knew this time I wanted to find out, so that Sully could be a little more excited about it and have a name to call it by... when I found out it was another boy, I was over the moon. It's amazing to see your dreams come true, especially during a time where there is so much change.

[Summer]

Brooke, what wonderful, perfect, beautiful news! I am so happy to hear that Lova is joining your family.

What you wrote about having felt your daughter's spirit before her conception really struck home with me. I too feel like I have a daughter waiting for me -- as a "piece in space with God," as my son puts it -- and I wish I knew what to do to make my life ready for her to come to me. You give me hope.

[Sanne]

I've been reading your blog for a long time and sharing your joy in this news. I'm really happy for you and your family! And... I quite like the name Lova... Sanne is a Dutch girl's name by the way ;)

[Jeanettte]

Leigh used the right word...bursting. I am bursting with love and happiness and wonder and joy. Your daughter. Another girl. Sigh - I can hardly stand the beauty of it.

[Joanna]

Big congrats to you, Brooke. I am really happy for you and your healthy baby girl. After having two boys, finding out my girl had come to me (as she was a complete, utter surprise pregnancy for us), I was elated too. It just felt right. It had been my dream, after all: two boys and a girl. So congrats to you, congrats.

Names: There is one girl's name I really love: Ayla. If you have read the story 'Clan of the Cave Bear,' this is the heroine of the story. She is a strong, independent, fierce (in a good way), girl. This had been my chosen name for our girl for years; in the fall of 2004 (actually, about three years ago next week), I m/c at 12 weeks. I had been Mama-sure that the pregnancy was a girl, and in my mind I had been calling her 'Ayla.' So as we moved on in life, I could never in my heart use that name again - because I'd already had an Ayla; she just never made it to us. I don't mean to scare you OFF this name should it appeal to you; rather, if you dig it, check out the story. It's such a pretty, meaningful name.

OMG - I just noticed that another poster above noted a Finnish version of this name! Perhaps there is something meant to be in it for you??!

Congrats again, Brooke!

[Emily]

I knew you'd be right. You're just that kind of person.

I'm so excited for you, Satchel and Matt!

[melissa]

I've been reading since before Satchel was born. I feel like a friend in some strange way. So, as a friend, I had to tell you the joy I felt when I read of Lova---my heart feels full. What is it about a mama-to-be? Expectant with Promise, with Possibilities, with Hope and All That Is Good In The World. I have no doubt that Lova will be welcomed into a most loving, adoring family----here's to abundant joy in this journey.

[Leigh]

Holy Frijoles, a girl, a girl, a girl! Your daughter. I cried when I read this and read it twice just to soak it all in.
My Brooke, there is so much I want to say to you. I don't have words yet but know my heart is bursting full of love for Lova - your perfect little peanut - and for you. I can barely contain it as I sit here typing.
Does it get any better?!? Wow.
And those photos of her just stun me, the peek you got must keep you tingling for weeks and weeks.
xoxo
Leigh

[Carrie]

I'm so happy for you. I am a mom to a boy (my firstborn) and two girls, and your entry reminded me of the way I felt when I had the ultrasound for my first daughter. All my life, I imagined myself as a mother of boys. I never even thought I WANTED a girl - all boys would have been fine. But when that ultrasound tech told me that I was having "a princess", I burst into tears on the ultrasound table. I was so unbelievably, unexpectedly thrilled, and your entry says it so beautifully. And let me tell you - little baby girls (and older ones too) have a way of stealing your very heart and soul!! You're going to love it, and I can just imagine Satchel being a wonderful big brother to her (as my son is to his two sisters). Best wishes and congratulations!! PS...I've been a lurker since your iparenting days. :)

[Linda]

Oooh you have me in tears. I am so thrilled for your family. What an exciting and amazingly emotional day. What a lucky girl!
Since we're done making our family and ours was a family of three boys (3 BOYS!!!) I'll pass along my girl names to you to ponder... Camilla and Lila, I also considered Lena. My girlfriend named her daughter 'Aiyla' (pronounced 'eye-la') which is also very beautiful (Finnish decent). I'm so happy for you and your family.